The Destructive Power of Blame - Part 1
“Until a coaching client accepts responsibility for where they are in life, including their own health, there is little movement toward improvement. When blame and victimhood are shed, when the client accepts responsibility for his or her own choices, real progress happens.” (Arloski, p.45)
Blame happens in our personal lives when we hold other people or circumstances responsible for where we are in life.
“It’s my parents’ fault!”
“It’s my boss’ fault!”
“It’s my spouse’s fault!”
“It’s the other guy’s fault that I’m in this situation!”
“If my [parents, family, spouse, experiences, school, job, status, looks, talents, genetics, society … ] were different, I wouldn’t be in this situation!”
When we blame others for our problems and circumstances, we dump the responsibilities for our lives on them. In our minds, we make those people and those circumstances responsible for our lives. We are no longer responsible. We are only victims.
It may give us a temporary feeling of relief from the pressures of our responsibilities, but that false sense of relief from responsibility is a deception. You are responsible for your own life.
It doesn’t matter what your circumstances are, or what your past was like. Your life belongs to no one but you. You are responsible for your life and how you live it. It’s best that you face it. Accept that fact, and take responsibility for your life from now on, no matter what happened in your past.
In every circumstance, you are responsible for how you respond. You are responsible for the choices that you make.
If you do not take responsibility now for your life and how you live it, you are only postponing the inevitable. Eventually, you will be faced with the hard truth that you are responsible for your life and for every choice you make.
When the children of Israel rejected the true God and His ways and turned instead to idolatry and immorality, Moses interceded for them and even offered himself as a substitute so that they would not suffer the inevitable consequences for their actions. God made it clear to Moses that each person will be held accountable for his own actions.
“So Moses returned to the Lord, and said, ‘Oh, these people have committed a great sin [against You], and have made themselves a god of gold. Yet now, if You will, forgive their sin—and if not, please blot me out of Your book which You have written (kill me)!’
“But the Lord said to Moses, ‘Whoever has sinned against Me, I will blot him out of My book [not you].’”—Exodus 32:31-33 (AMP)
“The fathers shall not die for the children, or the children die for the fathers; but every man shall die for his own sin.”—2 Chronicles 25:4 (AMPC)
You will be held accountable for your life and how you lived it … in detail.
You will be held responsible for every word that you speak.
“I promise you on the day of judgment, everyone will have to account for every careless word they have spoken.”—Matthew 12:36 (VOICE)
You will be held responsible for every attitude and emotional response.
“You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’ But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.”—Matthew 5:21-22 (NLT)
You will be held accountable for every action and the motives behind each one.
“So do not go on passing judgment before the appointed time, but wait until the Lord comes, for He will both bring to light the [secret] things that are hidden in darkness and disclose the motives of the hearts.”—1 Corinthians 4:5 (AMP)
“I am He who searches the minds and hearts [the innermost thoughts, purposes]; and I will give to each one of you [a reward or punishment] according to your deeds.”—Revelation 2:23 (AMP)
You will even be held responsible for your thoughts.
“The Lord looks deep down inside every heart. He understands every desire and every thought.”—1 Chronicles 28:9 (NIRV)
“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”—Matthew 5:27-28 (NLT)
“Hear, O earth: behold, I will bring evil upon this people, even the fruit of their thoughts, because they have not hearkened unto my words, nor to my law, but rejected it.”—Jeremiah 6:19 (KJV)
We can blame others all we want, but that does not excuse us from our responsibilities. We will still experience the consequences of our actions, but because we have deceived ourselves into believing that we are not responsible, we render ourselves powerless to change or to prevent the consequences. In order to affect the consequences of our actions, we must first take responsibility for those actions.
Blaming others offers no escape for the consequences of our actions.
We can see this in the examples of Adam and Eve after they ate the forbidden fruit. Both blamed someone else when God confronted them for their actions. Adam basically blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent. They may have desperately hoped that they could escape the consequences by blaming someone else, but blaming others did not relieve them of the consequences at all! They still experienced the full weight of the consequences, but because they had not taken responsibility earlier for their actions, they had rendered themselves powerless to prevent their fall into sin.
King Saul was commanded by God to utterly destroy the Amalekites, their king Agag, and everything they had. But that is not what Saul did.
“Saul and his men spared Agag’s life and kept the best of the sheep and goats, the cattle, the fat calves, and the lambs—everything, in fact, that appealed to them. They destroyed only what was worthless or of poor quality.”—1 Samuel 15:9 (NLT)
When Samuel confronted Saul about his disobedience, Saul tried to justify himself. He blamed the soldiers for doing wrong.
“Saul said, ‘But I did obey the Lord! I went where the Lord sent me. I destroyed all the Amalekites. I brought back only one—their king Agag. And the soldiers took the best sheep and cattle to sacrifice to the Lord your God at Gilgal.’”—1 Samuel 15:20-21 (ERV)
In spite of all of his excuses and his attempts to blame others for his disobedience, he was still held accountable for his actions. As a result, he lost his position as king, and he lost the inheritance that he could have left to his sons.
King David also sinned against God. He took another man’s wife and had her husband killed in battle.
But David was forgiven and allowed to retain his position as king. Why?
When King Saul was confronted for his sins, he denied responsibility and tried to justify his actions.
In contrast to Saul, when David was confronted for his sins, he immediately took full responsibility. As a result, he found mercy. He still suffered the just consequences for his actions, but he was allowed to retain his position as king. He was not rejected by the Lord, as Saul had been.
“And David said to Nathan, I have sinned against the Lord. And Nathan said to David, The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die.
“Nevertheless, because by this deed you have utterly scorned the Lord and given great occasion to the enemies of the Lord to blaspheme, the child that is born to you shall surely die.”—2 Samuel 12:13-14 (AMPC)
When we do not take responsibility for our actions, the consequences become more severe, but when we take responsibility for the things that we have done, own up to them, and change our ways, we find mercy, forgiveness, and grace in God’s sight.
“He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But whoever confesses and turns away from his sins will find compassion and mercy.”—Proverbs 28:13 (AMPC)
Blame does not remove the effect of the consequences of our actions. Consequences are guaranteed. We will reap what we sow. There are no exceptions. Blaming others may trick people into not punishing us for our offenses, but that’s not really what we should be concerned about. Sin carries inevitable consequences. Even if we trick people into not punishing us, the consequences of our actions will find us. They cannot be avoided, as Moses warned us, ” But if you do not do so, then take note, you have sinned against the Lord; and be sure your sin will find you out.”—Numbers 32:23 (NKJV)
“Do not be deceived. God will not be made a fool. For a person will reap what he sows, because the person who sows to his own flesh will reap corruption from the flesh, but the one who sows to the Spirit will reap eternal life from the Spirit.”—Galatians 6:7-8 (NET)
**Reference: **
Arloski, M. (2014). Wellness Coaching for Lasting Lifestyle Change. Whole Person Associates, Inc.
