Listening with the intention to really understand the other person is therapeutic in itself. One of the most dramatic changes that I’ve ever witnessed in a person simply due to attentive listening was accomplished by Carl Rogers, the famous psychologist. Carl Rogers had rejected the Christian faith, but he remarkably demonstrated some of the attributes that Jesus also demonstrated in His ministry.
Carl Rogers believed that counselors must demonstrate three attributes in order to achieve effective results with patients. First, he believed that counselors must demonstrate congruence or genuineness so that their words, actions, attitudes and expressions are all aligned with no deceit, no double-mindedness or inconsistencies. It’s about being real, authentic, sincere, and completely trustworthy.1
He also believed that counselors must demonstrate unconditional positive regard and acceptance for patients. This does not mean that the counselor necessarily approves of a person’s actions or lifestyle, but that the person is accepted unconditionally without judgment.1
Dr. Rogers also demonstrated empathy for each person by striving to accurately understand the person’s experiences and feelings, so that the person truly felt heard and understood.1
There is an old film of Carl Rogers listening to a patient named “Gloria.” As I watched this 30-minute session with Gloria, Dr. Rogers did not offer solutions. He did not agree or disagree with the patient. He simply focused on listening to the patient intently, with a focus on genuinely trying to understand Gloria; not just the words she was saying, but the emotions, the attitudes and the motivations behind her words—to understand her on a deep level.2
Dr. Rogers had not met this patient until she walked in the door for this session, but in less than 30 minutes, Gloria seemed to experience a breakthrough. Near the end of the session, Gloria told Dr. Rogers, “All of a sudden, as I’m talking to you, I’m thinking, gee it’s nice that I can talk to you, and I want you to approve of me, and I respect you, but I miss that my father couldn’t talk to me like you are. I mean, I’d like you for my father…. I don’t even know why that came to me….”
Dr. Rogers responded, “You look to me like a pretty nice daughter…. But you really do miss the fact that you couldn’t be open with your own dad.”
Gloria: “Yeah, I couldn’t be open, but I want to blame it on him, but I think I’m more open than he’d allow me. He would never listen to me talk like you are, and not disapprove, and not lower me down….
…But you know what I think I’d want him to say? ‘I knew this was you all along, Honey, and I really love you.’”
Rogers: “And I guess you really feel badly that there’s very little chance that he’ll say that.”
Gloria: “No, he won’t. He doesn’t hear. I went back home to him about two years ago really wanting to let him know I loved him although I’ve been afraid of him. But he doesn’t hear me. He just keeps saying things like, ‘Honey, you know I love you. I’ve always loved you.’ …and he doesn’t hear.”
Rogers: “And he’s never really known you and loved you, and this somehow is what brings the tears inside.”
Gloria: “I don’t know what it is. You know when I talk about it, it feels more flip. If I just sit still a minute, it feels like a great big hurt down there. Then I feel cheated.”
Rogers: “It’s much easier to be a little flip because then you don’t feel that big lump inside of hurt.”
Gloria: “And again, that’s a hopeless situation. I tried working on it. And I feel that’s something I have to accept. My father just isn’t the type of man I’d really like. I’d like somebody more understanding and caring. He cares, but not in a way that we can communicate.”
Rogers: “You feel ‘Nope, that I’m permanently cheated.’”
Gloria: “Um-hm. That’s why I like substitutes, like I like talking to you, and I like men that I can respect… doctors…, and I keep sort of maybe underneath feeling like we’re real close, and it’s sort of like a substitute father.”
In her own way, Gloria was expressing a deep need that so many people feel. It is a need to be listened to without judgment—to be truly heard and understood.
Jesus is the ultimate Counselor. He is given that title in Isaiah 9:6. To draw people out and help them begin talking about what was important to them, Jesus would ask questions:
- “What are you looking for?” - John 1:38
- “Do you want to be made well?” - John 5:6
- “Do you believe in the Son of God?” - John 9:35
- “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?” - John 20:15
- “Children, have you any food?” - John 21:5
- “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?” - John 21:16, 17
- Jesus said to them, “Have you understood all these things?”- Matthew 13:51
- “Who do men say that I, the Son of Man, am?”- Matthew 16:13
- “But who do you say that I am?” - Matthew 16:15
- “What do you think, Simon? From whom do the kings of the earth take customs or taxes, from their sons or from strangers?”- Matthew 17:25
- “What do you think?” - Matthew 18:12
- “Why do you call Me good?” - Matthew 19:17
- “What do you wish?”- Matthew 20:21
- “What do you want Me to do for you?”- Matthew 20:32
- “But what do you think?” - Matthew 21:28
- “What do you think about the Christ? Whose Son is He?”- Matthew 22:42
- “What do you want Me to do for you?” - Mark 10:36
- “What do you want Me to do for you?”- Mark 10:51
- “How is it that the scribes say that the Christ is the Son of David?” - Mark 12:35
- “What do you want Me to do for you?”- Luke 18:40
- “What kind of conversation is this that you have with one another as you walk and are sad?” - Luke 24:17
- “Do you believe in the Son of God?” - John 9:35
- “Do you believe this?”- John 11:26
- “Do you know what I have done to you?” - John 13:12
- “Do you not believe that I am in the Father, and the Father in Me?” - John 14:10
- “Do you now believe?” - John 16:31
- “Whom are you seeking?” - John 18:4,7
- “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?” - John 20:15
Did you notice which question is recorded more times in Scripture than any other question Jesus asked?
“What do you want Me to do for you?”
It is recorded four times in Scripture.
It is ironic, and sad, that modern evangelists and other ministers have a common reputation for being excessive talkers. It’s tragic because the more I talk, the less chance you have to talk, and the less chance that I will have to discover, understand and help meet your needs.
References:
1 Pierce, M. (2016, March 16). 3 Core Conditions for Therapeutic Change. Retrieved from https://trueselfcounseling.com/2016/02/20/3-core-conditions-for-therapeutic-change/
2 Carl Rogers and Gloria - Counselling (1965) Full Session. (2014, May 14). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24d-FEptYj8
