The Destructive Power of Blame - Part 2
“Until a coaching client accepts responsibility for where they are in life, including their own health, there is little movement toward improvement. When blame and victimhood are shed, when the client accepts responsibility for his or her own choices, real progress happens.” (Arloski, p.45)
Blame is destructive to your life because it renders you powerless to affect change that could improve your life and prevent negative consequences. The responsibility goes with the blame, so when you blame someone or something else for your circumstances, you turn over the responsibility for those circumstances to them. In doing this, you cripple your own ability to deal with those circumstances.
When we see authority figures blaming their predecessors or others for current problems, rather than taking responsibility, that should be alarming to us because that is an indication that these authority figures are not going to deal effectively with the problems.
When we experience problems in our lives, blaming others prevents the problems from being solved, regardless of what the problems might be, and it leaves us in a position of continuing to suffer from the consequences of these problems.
It may be true that we are not primarily responsible for the causes of our problems, and there will always be things that are out of our control, but in every circumstance, we have a measure of control, even if it is only the control over our reaction to the circumstance. That may make all the difference!
There may be many things that you *cannot *control, but you are responsible for those things that you *can *control. In every circumstance, you are responsible for how you respond. You are responsible for the choices that you make.
As we take responsibility over the things that we can change, we can overcome the circumstances of life, even if we are in the worst circumstances imaginable.
Victor Frankl discovered this when he was a prisoner in Auschwitz, the Nazi concentration camp. As a prisoner, he had very little control over the circumstances of his life. His Nazi captors controlled almost every aspect of his existence, but he realized that there was one aspect of his life that his captors had no control over—his choices. His choices of how he would respond to his circumstances were completely under his control! And his captors could never gain control of that sacred area of choice in his life! When he realized this, it set him free! He experienced a freedom that he had never known before. His body was still held captive in prison, but because his choices were forever within his own control, he was then, and forever after, free from the control of all others!
“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.”
“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” (Frankl, pp. 65-66)
“Even though conditions such as lack of sleep, insufficient food and various mental stresses may suggest that the inmates were bound to react in certain ways, in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone. Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him—mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp. Dostoevsky said once, ‘There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.’ These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost. It can be said that they were worthy of their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom—which cannot be taken away—that makes life meaningful and purposeful.” (Frankl, pp. 66-67)
Making a decision to take responsibility for our choices and for the things in our lives that we can control does not weigh us down with unnecessary burdens, but it actually brings freedom into our lives! It frees us from the deception that we are merely holding on for dear life as victims of our circumstances.
You are not adrift in a sea of life’s circumstances, holding on for dear life so that your circumstances don’t overwhelm and swallow you. You are the captain of your ship! You call the shots! You set the course!
You are not a helpless passenger, just along for the ride as circumstances and other people determine your future. You are the pilot! You are in the driver’s seat!
You must take responsibility for your life and your choices because, like it or not, you are being held accountable, and you are experiencing the consequences of your choices every day!
People who hide their heads in the sand and refuse to deal with life’s realities are some of the most foolish of all, because we will all give account for how we spent our lives, and the result of that judgment will determine how and where we will spend eternity.
“Then He told them a parable, saying, ‘There was a rich man whose land was very fertile and productive. And he began thinking to himself, “What shall I do, since I have no place [large enough in which] to store my crops?” Then he said, “This is what I will do: I will tear down my storehouses and build larger ones, and I will store all my grain and my goods there. And I will say to my soul, ‘Soul, you have many good things stored up, [enough] for many years; rest and relax, eat, drink and be merry (celebrate continually).’” But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your soul is required of you; and now who will own all the things you have prepared?’ So it is for the one who continues to store up and hoard possessions for himself, and is not rich [in his relationship] toward God.’”—Luke 12:16-21 (AMP)
Even those who have put their trust in God may experience great regret and disappointment as they realize they have focused on the wrong things in life, and they lose all of their rewards.
“The seed which fell among the thorns, these are the ones who have heard, but as they go on their way they are suffocated with the anxieties and riches and pleasures of this life, and they bring no fruit to maturity.”—Luke 8:14 (AMP)
“But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person’s work has any value. If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builder will be saved, but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames.”—1 Corinthians 3:13-15 (NLT)
Resolve to Take Responsibility
In an era of people “passing the buck,” blaming others, and refusing to accept responsibility, President Truman kept a sign on his desk that read, “The buck stops here!” In doing this, the President was declaring that no excuses would be made. He would make the ultimate decisions and he would accept ultimate responsibility for those decisions.
In his farewell address to the American people given in January 1953, President Truman referred to this concept very specifically in asserting that, “The President—whoever he is—has to decide. He can’t pass the buck to anybody. No one else can do the deciding for him. That’s his job.” (National Archives)
Just as President Truman made the decision to take responsibility for his areas of authority, you must make the decision to take authority for your own life and all that is under your authority. You only have one life. You can throw it away, or you can take responsibility for yourself and your choices and make the most of the time you have left.
The day before I was going to start writing this article, I opened a book that I had not looked at in years. The book is called, The Traveler’s Gift, by Andy Andrews. I turned to a bookmark that I had left on page 32, near the end of chapter three. I was amazed to read exactly what I was going to be writing about! The Traveler’s Gift describes “seven decisions that determine personal success.” The first decision, described at the end of chapter three, is all about taking personal responsibility for your own life.
I believe that opening that book on the day before I was going to start writing this article, and reading the same concepts that I had already decided to write about, was a powerful confirmation of the importance of this message for you at this time of your life. This is no accident.
To summarize what Andy Andrews eloquently writes, you must make a firm decision to take responsibility for your life from this point forward. Your thoughts and your choices are your responsibility and no one else’s. Put blame aside and resolve within yourself to take charge of your life. Your future is in your hands! Where you go from here is up to you!
References:
Andrews, A. (2002). The Traveler’s Gift. T. Nelson Publishers.
Arloski, M. (2014). Wellness Coaching for Lasting Lifestyle Change. Whole Person Associates, Inc.
Frankl, Viktor E.. Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press. Kindle Edition.
National Archives. (n.d.). “The Buck Stops Here” Desk sign. Harry S. Truman Library & Museum. Retrieved March 18, 2023, from https://www.trumanlibrary.gov/education/trivia/buck-stops-here-sign
