After a lifelong Christian friend of mine survived his second suicide attempt, he was checked in to a hospital for a period of time and only allowed limited visitation. During and after his hospital stay, the medical team prescribed counseling, anti-depressants and other drugs, and electro-convulsive “shock” treatments.
These treatments may be helpful in some cases, but I believed that the roots of my friend’s problems were spiritual. Drugs, shock treatments, and even some psychotherapy approaches don’t have the ability to solve problems that are rooted in the spirit because they can’t reach that realm. Those treatments can only affect the body and soul. So, unfortunately, many people receive very powerful prescriptions and treatments that often cause permanent alterations or damage to their bodies and souls, and yet those treatments never reach the area where the problem really resides.
I sent him a message asking one question.
“I was just wondering if any of your therapy dealt with pulling down the strongholds in your life that led you to the low point? Cause I’m thinking that if those root strongholds are not dealt with and pulled down, the cycle will repeat.” Then I quoted 2 Corinthians 10:3-6, which described the basis for my concerns.
He sent me a long full-page reply that didn’t really speak to the issue and never asked the obvious question, “What strongholds do you think I have; and how can I remove them?”
So, I didn’t mention it again.
A few days later, he called me and asked if I could meet with him. That began a series of informal counseling sessions.
The one question that I had asked him in my message helped lead to some positive life changes for my friend as we worked through issues together over snacks at a local restaurant. Thoughts of suicide are no longer a threat to him.
Applying These Principles to Our Daily Encounters with Individuals
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The first goal here is to ask questions (without offending the person) and to really listen to discover needs in the person’s life that you can help minister to with the love of Jesus Christ.
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Think of the people you have interacted with over the last few days. Do you know what their most pressing needs are?
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What questions could you ask them that might allow them to begin to share some of their needs with you?
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People may not share their needs with you unless they sense that you sincerely care about them and their situations, with no other motive but to help them. Determine ahead of time to eliminate anything in your behavior that might make them doubt your sincere motive of genuine love—like joking, teasing, inattentiveness, judgmental criticism about them or their lifestyles, impatience to leave….
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When you encounter these people again, let everything in your language (including body language) demonstrate your sincere desire to understand what they’re going through and to help them. Give them your full attention. Maintain eye contact. Listen more than you talk.
Steven Covey wrote about the emotional strength that is required to really listen to someone. People of immature character can’t do it. To truly listen to someone requires us to put our own needs aside and be patient, open, and sincerely interested in understanding the other person. It is so much easier just to give someone quick advice and move on. Listening is not easy, but it is essential to relate effectively with people.1
Discipleship Practice: Becoming a Listener
Objectives: To change your focus from yourself to others.
To develop your ability to ask questions that help you to understand a person’s needs.
How often? Daily for 3 weeks or until it becomes a habit.
Seeking to understand a person’s needs, make it your goal for each encounter to find out something about the person, his condition, or his current situation, that you did not know before.
- When the situation allows, ask polite questions about important areas of the person’s life. For example, you might ask about:
- Family
- Friends and other relationships
- Health
- Job situation
- Interests and goals
Soon after an encounter, or maybe that evening when things are quiet, think back on the person’s response to the questions that you asked. This will help you evaluate your encounter.
• Did a particular question seem to put the person at ease?
• Did a question seem to allow the person to trust you?
• Did a question seem to offend the person?
• Did a question seem to cause the person to be defensive?
Asking good questions is a skill that must be developed.
Good questions allow you to understand a person and the needs that he or she has.
Good questions also let the person know that you are sincerely interested.
Good questions build trust.
Think of one more question that you could have asked that would have helped you learn something else about the person or her situation.
Much has been written about the power of asking good questions. Life coaches make it their business to use powerful questions to draw out the client’s desires, aspirations and wishes, as well as to get to the heart of what may be blocking their clients from achieving their goals.2 We can learn as well to become skilled in using powerful questions, as Jesus did, to discover needs in a person’s life that open opportunities for ministry.
**References: **
1 Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 habits of highly effective people: powerful lessons in personal change (p. 37). New York: Fireside Press.
2 Menendez, Diane S.. Becoming a Professional Life Coach: Lessons from the Institute of Life Coach Training (p. 58). W. W. Norton & Company. Kindle Edition.
